Uncle Jeff is Wrong
“Focus on what you can control and let go of what you cannot.”
—Epictetus
Picture this: you’re sitting down to a festive family dinner, early cocktail in hand, ready to enjoy a truly American serving of turkey. Suddenly, you overhear dear ole Uncle Jeff start saying something that sends a knot to your stomach. Maybe it’s about vaccines, or religion, or his unique brand of parenting advice, and you have a moment to decide - do you engage? Ignore it? Throw down and Thunderdome an intellectual battle to the death?
⚡️ The Holiday Chaos We Know Too Well
Many of us have family members with whom we don’t see eye to eye. These differences of worldview can feel like an invitation to valiantly save others from their misguided ideas. The problem is: it usually doesn’t work.
Neuroscience backs up why this approach is so often ineffective - when a belief is tied to a person’s identity, presenting facts & data that contradict it doesn’t actually change their mind. Instead, the brain goes into protective mode and actually doubles down.
🎯 A Menu of Options
You can’t control other people (what they think, believe, or how they react), only how you respond. Depending on your relationships and priorities, you can take a few different paths:
Option 1: Plan your Response… and stick to it!
If you know Grandpa Bob says something that gets your goat every family holiday, you can plan your response in advance.
For example, he asks when you’re finally going to give him grandchildren, you take a breath and say, “No plans yet, Grandpa Bob. How’s the turkey?” And stop there.
Option 2: RSVP No
There’s many people who have chosen not to engage with family who have wildly oppositional views. This is your choice. If the experience will be fraught with tension for all involved, you have the option to Just Say No:
“Thanks for the invite, Aunt Linda, I won’t be able to make it this year. Love to the fam!”
Option 3: Stop trying to convince, and just listen
Trying to convince someone their belief is wrong with facts is proven to be ineffective, at best. If you care more about the relationship than the perspectives you each hold, you can choose to try to better understand why they believe what they do in the first place.
When Uncle Jeff proclaims that, “You should switch to a landline because cell phones cause brain cancer,” you can try getting curious: “What leads you to that conclusion?” or “How has your view on this changed over time?”
🙉 Why Listening Helps (Even When You Disagree)
The first few times I tried this whole listening thing it felt frustratingly passive - what do you mean, I’m just going to sit here while someone is obviously wrong! I should correct them, people love being told they’re wrong, right?
Annoyingly, listening has helped me have fewer arguments without compromising my ideals. The more I listened, and even asked curious questions, the more I learned about the loved one I was talking to. After listening, I might share my view, not to contradict theirs, but as a way to connect, and I’ve noticed more receptiveness to my point of view than in my prior approach - which involved loudly yelling about why the other person is wrong. It’s a great reminder that understanding doesn’t require agreement.
🎁 Ultimately, how you show up is totally up to you. You can argue, boycott, or silently stew to your heart’s content. Or this year you may choose give the gift of your attention. Listen first, respond with intention, and see what you learn about those you love. Then shake it off and have a vent-session with the cousin you usually hide with in the kitchen. Cuz some holiday traditions are just too fun to skip.
Reply “Listen” if you want a short, practical guide to the 4 types of listening and how to apply them during holiday conversations.
💡 Try This: A 3-Step Holiday Practice
Listening and getting curious when you fundamentally disagree with someone can feel like a hard pill to swallow. If you choose this route, here’s a process you can try:
Instigating Event
Aunt Linda starts sharing her belief that the world is going to hell in a handbasket - and for the exact opposite reasons than you think.
PAUSE, and Breathe
Take a breath. Notice any physiological changes (increased heart rate, sweaty palms, muscle tension - these are signs you body may be preparing for a fight). Take another breath.
Choose your first question (options to get you started)
What feels most important to you about this issue?
If everything worked out the way you’d hope, what would that look like?
When you say ____, what does that mean to you?
How does this impact you personally?
What part of this would you want me most to understand?
You may get one question in, then give up and go back to your soapbox. (Lord knows I’ve been there!) You may get frustrated, and change the subject. Or, you may stick with it, and find some small piece of common ground. Humans share 99.9% of the same DNA…perhaps even the most ardent of differences still hold a sliver of shared humanity after all.
