Habit Snack #5: Empathetic robots?
Last month I traveled for a leadership program just outside of Boston. At the end of the session on Emotional Intelligence one of the participants asked me a question about empathy: “What’s the difference between someone saying all the right things, and someone genuinely feeling empathy? And if it’s just saying the right things, why can’t AI replace us as empathetic leaders?”
🤔 I was kind of stumped. I floundered around for a bit, then finally took my own repeated advice and landed on, “I don’t know, but I’ll look into it.” Oof. CAN you fake it with empathy, if you do and say all the right things? I believe we can tell when someone is ‘faking it’ when it comes to expressing empathy, but maybe I’m wrong? As for the second question, I personally won’t feel empathy from from an entity that lacks an emotionally capable brain, but with AI coaches and boyfriends/girlfriends/theyfriends out there in the world, maybe someone else would?
📖 Before we get into it: empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share a feelings of another. You don’t have have to have been in the same situation, or really understand or agree with why they feel that way in order to feel empathy.
I decided to start with the first question: Can AI demonstrate empathy? Now, I’ve got complex views on the use of AI, but given the question I decided to go to the source…and ask ChatGPT.
I have to admit, the “robot” (as I affectionately call ChatGPT) had a pretty good response, summarized as:
Empathy isn’t just what someone says in one moment, it’s how they respond, inquire, and show up over time.
Do they ask curious, open questions and genuinely listen?
Do they remember specifics later and act on them?
Are they willing to sit with discomfort rather than rush to a fix?
AI can produce well timed language that helps people feel heard, and can offer basic support when human resources are limited.
AI can’t be truly empathetic as it lacks any brain to feel.
There is no subjective experience, no inner life or feelings, just pattern processing.
AI can’t have a shared experience, as the “memory” is data, not real connection.
AI bears absolutely no responsibility, and can’t bear any accountability. There are no stakes for the AI, and doesn’t “care” about the outcome.
✅ It seems the answer is: No, AI can’t demonstrate empathy, but if you don’t have access to a human, I guess it would do in a pinch.
🧠 But what about someone ‘faking empathy?’ Based on my fledgling knowledge of neuroscience, I’m inclined to think that if someone is taking all the actions of empathy - genuine inquiry, patience, saying the ‘right thing’ and doing that consistently, then over time that person may actually trick themselves into feeling genuine empathy. Our actions and thoughts can impact how we feel. The brain tells itself a story about what’s going on, and that story will often create an emotional response. Is there someone who could “fake it” but never feel it? Probably. But I’d like to think that most people going through the effort of pretending to be empathetic will in fact be practicing some degree of empathy just from putting in the effort in the first place.
💡So, where do I land on all this? Saying the right things isn’t enough. Genuine empathy takes effort, and platitudes or a well turned phrase are often more about avoiding discomfort than being willing to sit with someone else in their messy, human emotions. Sure, someone can say the right thing without feeling, but I’d say that’s not too different from the language learning model capturing great language with no feeling beneath it - empty words that may feel good in the moment, but ultimately won’t change any relationship or human dynamic. Empathy requires us to be present, curious, and ultimately, human.
🤖 What do you think: What is the role of empathetic leadership in the age of AI?
💡 Responding with Empathy
How can a human being practically demonstrate empathy?
Perspective taking, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, to better understand their experience.
Listen, not judge or advise or say minimizing things like “it could be worse!”
Recognize a shared emotion, even if the reason for the emotion may be different
Communicate that you can recognize that emotion.
Example: A friend is complaining about their boss. Your first instinct may be annoyance - they’ve said the same thing so many times before! You decide to make a choice:
⏸️ STEP IN THEIR SHOES: Reflect on how you might feel in their situation.
👂 LISTEN with curiosity about their experience.
💙 RECOGNIZE: Notice whatever feelings they may be speaking with or about - frustration, anger, sadness...
🗣️ SAY: For example: It sounds like you’re really frustrated because your boss never listens to your ideas.
Now, of course, the conversation will probably be more than this excerpt, but just remember: you don’t have to agree with the reaction or judge their choices or fix the situation, just be present with the human in front of you. And if you’re just dying to help, try, “How can I support you?” Sometimes, people just want us to listen.
