Habit Snack #3
Hey, can we talk?
Today’s Habit: Feedback
“The best feedback tells you not just what went wrong, but how it make it right.” - Adam Grant
☁️ Imagine this: You’re at your desk, deep in your work, when a message pops up from your manager: “Can we talk? I have some feedback.”
Suddenly, your heart starts pounding, as your mind scans through anything you might have done wrong. Am I in trouble? What did I miss? Am I getting fired!?
Why is feedback scary? Humans are social animals. Our brains are amazing pattern recognition machines, and a part of our brain is always scanning for potential threats so it can keep us safe. Unfortunately, our brain doesn’t always differentiate between a literal physical threat (bear!) or a perceived social threat (scary conversation!). So, sometimes our emotions get kicked into high gear, as if we are facing a bear instead of a co-worker.
✅ So, let’s reframe how we think about feedback! I love this simple definition: Feedback is just information - information given in the present, about the past, to impact the future.
In that framing, feedback isn’t about what you did wrong, it’s about what happened, and how we want to change or continue in the future. It’s all just data.
Of course, that’s all well and good - until your mouth goes dry and your brain blanks.
🎯 The truth is, one of the biggest wins happens before you open your mouth. Take just a couple minutes to pause and plan.
What do I want out of this conversation? (Encouragement? A shift in behavior? Clarity?)
Is now the right time? (Are we both in the right headspace?)
How can I start in a way that lowers the other person’s guard?
For example, instead of saying “Can I give you some feedback?” (which can spike cortisol levels)
Try: “I have some thoughts on how that client meeting went last week - when would be a good time to chat?”
📝 Acronym to the rescue!
There is no template to human conversation, but structure helps! One of my favorites is SBIO:
Situation: When and where did it happen?
Behavior: What did the person say or do - specific and observable
Impact: Why does it matter? What effect did it have?
Outcome: What next steps will you agree on?
As an example:
“At last week’s client meeting (Situation) I noticed you interrupted the client several times (Behavior) which seemed to frustrate them (Impact). I’d love to have a conversation about how we can improve our client meetings in the future (Outcome). What are your thoughts?”
Taking a couple minutes to review these elements can help you clarify the issue, prepare questions (it’s a conversation, not a monologue after all!), and stay focused on clarity, curiosity, and alignment.
You’ve got the tools! Now go have the conversation.
💡 Bonus: How to Receive Feedback
Ok, time to head back to that message from your manager… How do you deal with receiving feedback? Well, now it’s time to ACT:
🧠 Accept: Openly receive the feedback, and put aside any defensive or dismissive reaction. What if this information can help you grow?
🧐 Clarify: Ask clarifying questions - you can use SBIO! What specific action did you do, or what words did you say? What was the impact?
🙏 Thank: Acknowledge the effort it took for the other person to share feedback. You don’t have to agree with everything—but showing appreciation keeps the door open for future dialogue.
Today’s references are brought to you by: Adam Grant, Daniel Kahnemann, The Center for Creative Leadership, Stephen C. Hayes et al
