Habit Snack #2

Cue the Curiosity

Welcome back to this space for having fun with practical tools to support a life that feels aligned and sustainable.

Today’s Habit:

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”- Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

On July 3, 1969 after six days of resistance The Stonewall Riots - which would ignite Pride celebrations nationwide - came to an end. The next day, families and friends across the nation came together to celebrate American independence with hot dogs, fireworks, and what I imagine was a generous serving of beer.

These two events may seem worlds apart - one about civil rights, the other as an ode to patriotism, and at times “Florida guy blows off fingers again.” Yet they both center on a profoundly American value: Freedom.

For many of us, we’re rarely in a position of having to literally break out our fisticuffs for our freedoms. What we often are faced with are verbal fights - the disagreements at family functions, the comments section, or the topics we carefully avoid at work.

Personally, I do not enjoy conflict. The first whiff of disagreement and I can feel my heart start to race, and palms getting sweaty, as I mentally grapple with the right thing to say. That said, I recognize that productive conflict is necessary for healthy relationships.

That’s why I’ve been practicing the habit of seeking first to understand, then to be understood. (And let’s be honest, I’ll probably be practicing this one for the rest of my life.)

When we disagree on a topic, whether personal, professional, or political, we tend to lead with our own opinion: this is what I think, why I’m right, and how you’re wrong. The other person responds in kind, and now we verbally battle it out to see whose argument wins.

What if winning wasn’t the point? You can choose to lead with asking curious questions to better understand the other person’s perspective, position, values, priorities. Only when you can recite back their experience correctly do you start to share your own. Now, the dynamic shifts from you vs me to us vs the problem:

The other person feels valued, heard and respected, and is more likely to hear you out

You show that the relationship matters more than being right

You may learn something outside your perspective

Bonus: you’re more likely to keep things from escalating to saying very loud, unhelpful things you don’t fully mean.

This approach won’t always be the right move. If you truly have no respect for the person you’re speaking to and don’t care about the relationship, go ahead and argue ‘til your red, white, and blue in the face. But maybe, just maybe, there are moments where curiosity may be the ticket through a challenging conversation.

This isn’t about agreeing - it’s about understanding. Curiosity doesn’t cost you your convictions. So, the next time conflict sparks, try asking yourself, “What might I learn if I listen first?”

💡Try it out for yourself

The next time you hear something you disagree with:

🤚 Pause before reacting.
❓ Ask one more question to better understand their perspective.

For example: Your cousin Greg says “The Fifth Element” is a terrible movie. Before berating him for his terrible taste in movies, you pause and ask, “What types of movies do you typically prefer?” or “What was it about the movie you didn’t like?”

What habits are you going to play with?

I’d love to hear from you about what works and what doesn’t, and I’ll be trying things out right along side you. And don’t worry if it doesn’t look the way you expected; perfection was never the goal. :)

Today’s reference is brought to you by: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey