I have a gift for you
“"The norm of reciprocity makes us want to return favors, whether rational or not."”― Daniel Kahneman, research psychologist & author
The Cuban Missile Crisis was averted thanks to a secret concession by JFK.
This is counter to the popular narrative, that he staunchly refused to give way to the Russian government, and by standing his ground helped avert a nuclear war. Thanks to declassified documents, there’s a deeper layer to the story - Kennedy actually agreed to remove US missiles from Turkey and Italy in exchange for the Russians removing their missiles from Cuba. To avoid being seen as conceding to the Russians, secrecy was a requirement of the deal at the time.
What was presented as a successful strong-arm act was actually an example of the power of reciprocity.
Reciprocity is one of many shortcuts the human brain does all the time without our necessarily being aware of it. In short, if I give something to you, you are going to be inclined to give something to me in return. We don’t like to feel in debt, and it’s also a built in way to strengthen social bonds.
I hold the door for you, you’re likely to turn around and hold the door for me. A salesperson offers me a sample, I’m more likely to buy that item. A waiter leaves a mint or candy with the check, you’re statistically likely to leave a higher tip.
Now, here’s the fun part - while we’re operating on this shortcut all the time, we can actually harness this to influence others more effectively.
Negotiating or bargaining for a certain price? Start with a higher offering bid, when rejected you then offer a concession(you give something up), and your counterpart may be more likely to accept in reciprocation.
Want to book a client? Offer a free consult before asking if they’d like to sign a contract. (Yes, you’ll notice this is exactly what I do at the end of each newsletter. Now you know!)
Want someone to do you favor? Do something for them first.
On the flip side, you can also be mindful of others trying to influence you, such as:
Negotiating for a compensation package? An employer may offer something non-monetary (ie vacation days) to get employees to accept a lower salary. Get clear on your non-negotiables in advance.
Given a free sample, then asked to purchase something? Internally reframe the ask as a sales pitch, NOT a gift, allowing you to simply accept the freebie without feeling obligated to purchase anything you don’t want.
While this sounds a lot like manipulating people into doing what we want, the opportunity is harnessing what our brains are doing anyway to create a cycle of give and take. If I let someone merge in front of me in traffic, most people will be more inclined to let someone else merge in front of them in turn - they can’t repay the favor to me, but they can at least pay it forward!
Try giving first. The next time you want something from someone else, think strategically about what you might offer in advance. Whether it’s a free sample, a favor, your time, or a gift, you create the conditions for reciprocity to kick in. Alternately, get in the habit of helping others. You may not need a favor now…but if you build up your “bank account” of reciprocity, when the time comes most people will be more than happy to shake off their debt, and give you a hand.
Today’s references are brought to you by: Influence by Robert Cialdini, Give and Take by Adam Grant, Thinking, Fast and Slowby Daniel Kahneman
